birthday's up soon. it's the 11th as i post this, so... 4 more days 'til i turn 14.
i drew something. pay from the typo au, if anyone knows what the fuck that even is.
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| this is the alt version blogger just put it first fsr |
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| why |
also did a stupid edit where i removed pau and pat's weird thick eyebrows and gave them normal ones.
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| :( |
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| original screenshot. comparison or whatever. |
i've also come to the realisation that, well... oh my god, i'm an awful fucking person.
it took legitimately ruining a fucking friendship for me to realise that i'm a genuine piece of fucking shit.
so yeah that's fun. four days beforehand, he seemed like he was excited, maybe he was gonna try and celebrate with me or something.
and now i've gone and fucked up real bad. and now he's gonna try and take my other friendships down with him out of... i don't know, spite, i guess?
'cause he gave context for me being a prick... but didn't actually give context, was just screenshots of a now-deleted channel and "lance is awful and a total coward :) " all condescending-like.
and he's still screaming in there and pissy - can apologise for yelling at purple for coming in and complaining about something small, but won't apologise and let me change as a person, learn from this, and ultimately forget this.
but i guess i can't be too mad at him.
after all, i was far worse... yknow.
and yet even still, though - despite how he rails against the internet for being all like "people can't change" even when, yknow, people can and do change... he's got that same mentality with me right now.
he's begrudgingly given me a link to a youtube channel. just one.
and he's still acting like i won't change, the dick.
i feel bad though - orange is online now, she noticed i've effectively caught a mute in the server - and she's pretty much come to my defense, and everyone else's too, she's trying to understand the whole story and all.
also, and i just need to get this off my chest really fucking quick after skull went and used this as a fuckin legit point at me:
no. having fucking mental problems does not equal "oH iTs LiKe A vIdEo GaMe WiTh An EnErGy BaR - mEnTaL dIsOrDeRs DrAiN iT".
come back to me with that energy bar comparison bullshit when you almost fucking pass out in the middle of subway waiting for your food. when the circulation in your left hand randomly fucking cuts, the tip of your middle finger swells, and you have no idea why. when you can't go up further than three sets of stairs to a waterslide before you become exhausted and have to go back down and chill in the wave pool. when you almost pass out getting off the lazy fucking river because you stood up and you have to go back to the hotel room. when you can't even go up and down the stairs at your own house without wheezing your fucking lungs off. when you physically cannot get out of bed sometimes because physically, your body is struggling under the crushing weight of existence and one wrong move could send you crumpling to your end. when you've debilitating toothaches and you're popping 8 ibu a day for 'em, sometimes even more, just for the pain to stop because a dentist is too fucking expensive. when you get a stomachache in return and can't tell if today's the day you finally overdid it with the fuckin meds. when your family is messing around with your mom's samsung smart watch and it reads your heartrate as jumping between the 90s to the low 100s repeatedly. when you feel lightheaded for pretty much no fucking reason. when you're hurling your guts out and worrying about why because it's sudden and out of the blue. when you're genuinely afraid that each day could be your very last, that you just might not even wake the fuck up one day because your body is a metaphorical ticking timebomb with everything in the universe stacking against its continued existence and you can't even afford a diagnosis for anything, let alone potential treatments, so you just have to guess, hope it isn't that serious, and live without any real understanding of just what in the fuck is your issue. go live like that for a while, and only then can you fucking pull that 'eVeRyOnE's GoT aN eNeRgY bAr' garbage with me.
...
... yknow, i'm unsure why i'm posting this, nobody reads this blog, it's not like i'm important or anything.
i guess that maybe i just need to vent, and have nowhere to go because one server the channels are gone and everyone would hate me anyways, the other has ridiculous rules that when all combined/enforced, are effectively "just don't vent", and yet another has effectively had the channel claimed by one motherfucker.
maybe it's because i'm hopeful someone'll stumble upon this and, i don't know, have some sympathy or something?
maybe i think i'll be important enough for people to actually read this shit one day.
maybe i'm using this as some weird internet-journal to write down my thoughts because i positively despise writing with a pen.
maybe i'm just posting for the hell of it, got nothing better to do than spit words onto a screen all day, after all.
maybe it's because deep down, i know i deserve all the hate and shame for this shit. and so i'm trying to get it all down in here too, for the public to dig up and shame me about way later.
maybe it's just because i'm a fuck-up, and that's all.
or maybe, just maybe
i really do just need somewhere to vent. :)
-lance, but i guess i shouldn't bother signing anymore, yeah? you already know who i am, i'm the fuck up freak with a stupid blog and i'm the only motherfucker who posts here.
